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Heres a short note to say: We fucking hate you.

With your heels that click on the wooden floor boards everytime you take a step, your big fat asses that cause the floor underneath you to creak as if theres a whale wearing heels rather than a human being, the lady with her mullet hairstyle that she seems to think is “in”, the leader of the pack who thinks that her perm is fooling anyone into believing shes younger than 60.

To all you hags that somehow werent tortured enough during your years of schooling and thought it best to route your life to annoy the fuck out of silent exam students, perhaps your life would be less miserable if you bought a dog? A beach house? Perhaps drowned yourselves in the ocean?

1 exam down and so many to go, thank you fucking stars that we dont live in America, because if Kmart sold guns over the counter here, I’d buy the entire store – a separate gun for each of you – I’d even give you 10 minutes of “running” time.

PS. I changed the title in case this seems like a serious threat. Again, we arent in America, I tend to keep homicidal thoughts to myself.

Ive been sick. :(

And i haven’t been on here much – because all my writing time was snatched away from me via the school blocking wordpress… honestly – blocking a blog? Fucking low tards. Or perhaps their monitoring it like they chose to monitor other things. Want to do a personality test on me fuckers?

Need details? I wear nail-polish just to piss you off and i laugh at the thought of teachers being similar to dinosaurs or aliens. You told me to bring my hat? So i didn’t. You told me not to wear my shoes because they had buckles, but what am i wearing to school everyday? You have all your rules so neatly listed in the diary but the only reason i took one look at them was to make sure i could rebuttal any rule you force upon me.

So she who laughs last, laughs loudest – as some person in some movie once said.

HA. Blocking WordPress you should be ashamed.

yawn. says (9:09 PM): if i ever get fake shoot me or something
yawn. says (9:09 PM): or just say straight out “you are being fake”

Everytime I see some person – Smiling their face off, standing tall, laughing and talking - only to walk off by themselves – to sit by themselves and stare blanky at nothing..
Everytime someone says one thing to you – something different to the next – making up this perfect life they want to live..
The way some people fucking leech off everyone – all your gossip, all your lies and deciept – being more important than if their own mother was dying…
To all the people who feel the need to preach like they are some god – some person built to perfection..
And especially to the people who are convinced their life is great because they hide behind this pretty little face thats made up of makeup and nothing else…..

You are fake. You are faker than I can stretch my mind to understand. How you could possibly think you are living a happy and fufilled life – Do you believe it when you tell yourself over and over that you are perfect and all that jazz?

I hope not.. I really do.. I would rather be the girl frowned upon for swearing in front of mothers – known as “oh that girl – yes everyone knows her” – who looks like a boy – who tends to see the negative – who speaks too loud and always gets into trouble…

I would rather be seen as some crazy cat lady – than be fake – so sue me.

Hypothetically, if you were a bald business man (of whom wears glasses and a retarded tie) – could you rename yourself “Dilbert”? Sadly, I probably could.

It is more than often that our achievements and efforts are cut down or thrown in our faces – and the last glimmer or hope is scratched out of our not-so-willing minds. Sure others can judge “so and so never takes anything seriously” or “so and so are so negative” but do they ever ask themselves.. am I the one doing over 3 hours of work almost every night?

How hard could it possibly be to say – “you did good” – Three words?

Yet we are constantly reminded of our downfalls, mistakes and flaws rather than achievements, qualities and perfections? Would it be more rewarding to compliment instead of snigger behind someones back? More positive to see a smile instead of a frown? And surely, more productive to teach instead of hinder?

It is a pathetic world we live in when the vision of hope is unreachable, whilst false hope is merely around the corner.

Blatant sarcasm… were it possible to literally drip with it, I probably could. It may be the lowest form of wit but to be honest – I really just don’t give a flying fuck.

Dear biology teacher,
Thankyou sooooo much for taking the time to write a letter filled with my inconsistencies. Also the section that noted it would be appropriate for my parents to discuss the matter with me was really appreciated – I have really turned over a new leaf based on what your wonderful and not sterile and non personal at all letter (or form.) Thankyou from the bottom of my heart; for saving my schooling career and marks due to your thoughtful form which was sent directly to my parents and also suggested I should be doing more (glorious) school work not only in school, but also out of school.
I do so hope that the appreciation of my improvement, if made, is placed solely on the form you took the time to fill in (a whole 20 or so lines.)

Further more, Thankyou to my mother. Whom felt it necessary to repeat the mark I received several times – somehow believing that after 16 years of life i simultaneously became not only blind, but also deaf. Another Thankyou for reminding me “had [my] father been reading this he would be furious” (thankyou for the emphasis on furious as well – although I am not brain dead or a moron.) I was aware of this point, however I fail to care as my father was not reading the form – nor was he in the same country at the time. Thankyou oh so freaking much for yet again making my life a pleasure to live, and continuously reminding me of the ample time consuming and life eating assignments I have to do.

Oh my, how I enjoy to be walked on.

So having been subtly told to move in Biology – I moved a whole row forward with another group of girls. Having no opportunity to talk, wear reading glasses and ask if i look nerdy, pull ugly faces and giggle and laugh non stop – I resorted to listening. No, before you think you know how this ends, I did not find myself in love with Bio for the first time in years – nor did i actually learn something. Rather I became aware of this annoying, just plain want to stab their eyes out annoying, habit my teacher seemingly just cannot stop.

Alright.

That’s it. Alright – Every 0.5 seconds [and no I'm seriously not joking.] Alright? Alright! Alrighttt…

You get the idea? So in one lesson - I did a tally. Ok VS. Alright.

The results? In one 50 minute – estimated 30 (becuase I started after the lesson began), my teacher said Ok 38 times; and Alright an amazing (gold star effort) 86 times.

Now, this is where I draw the line… Why continuously ask if it’s “alright?” – Next time I swear to god I am going to grab my pencil and stab her eyes out – or the more likely just scribble some obscene notes in my book – then giggle to myself.

NO. It is NOT ok. And it is NOT alright. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. And my day couldn’t get any worse? Wrong again. My hair has been cut into some boy cut and my brother is now calling me “little bro.” So bite me if I don’t feel like playing anyones little games today, or tomorrow.

I’m sure everyone who actually reads this blog – or even scans the titles – would know what I think about exams. Bullshit springs to mind.

I studied my holidays away just to scrape in a good mark for maths (which I achieved – 78.5% which went up to 79%) – yet failed to study other lengthy subjects such as Biology (and Modern History which I haven’t gotten back yet) and ended up apparently only touching the surface of these subjects.

I got 26/69 for Bio – which I’m not exactly proud of – but I am pretty sure that I can’t go back in my brand new time machine and study a whole lot more and memorise homeostasis. Yet my teacher feels it necessary to go and ask all of my teachers how I am doing in my other subjects – Average she says (like i need reminding.)

All through today I just kept being reminded how “average” I have been going. I touched a few pages in English whilst my teacher was talking to the class in general – resulting in her leaping into an in depth attack of how I “could be better, not everyone… YOU… not the class… YOU could be better and RIGHT now… you are just extremely average”- Yes whilst I am not naturally smart the 48.5/65 that I added up is really quite ok with me but thanks for caring right?

In terms of Biology – I have been left to “think about it” – not the “its your decision” type of thinking – more like the “if you don’t do it I will” – and so I will be sitting by myself in yet another class (including maths where i was separated ENTIRELY from my friend who was moved into another class room.) 

It wouldn’t be the first time that i have been separated – let alone got the “Sarah could I talk to you after class please.” The fact is – to me what my idea of an “average” mark means not the average of the entire class, but what I see as acceptable.  – Since when did “average” equate to nothing? Correct me if I’m wrong – but average is what is usually aimed for – above average is what people hope for.

If teachers must get to picky there should be a whole set of averages – shitty average – you suck average – we think you are really a dumb ass but cant kick you out of the class average – ok average – at least you tried average – yeah it’s a good average… but that girl did better – just give up average – you’re getting there average – keep trying average [the list could be endless.]

Face it – if above average was so fucking easy to get – then it wouldn’t be above average would it?

Ok so instead of being at home doing something productive with my time (like watching DVDs) – I am at school in a study period. Which is pretty freaking annoying because I could be at home butmy mum couldn’t pick me up and apparently my brother has something better to do (probably buying another manly cardi gagggg.) The point is – I’m pissed off – and in the mood to ramble.

Today was the first day back in real classes after 2 weeks holidays, 3 weeks of exams (only 2 for me as mine were all together [fuckkkk]) and 3 days of retreat (which i didn’t like very much if you read my last post.)

It began with double biology – in which my eyes were almost burning out of my head trying to listen to some old ass man who used to be some kind of genius talk (Watson – discovering the structure of DNA) – however he seemed to be able to mumble and grin to the extent of a creepy pedophile – so I wasted time by taking some crappy notes. Then we got our exam marks back (I didn’t study for this exam very much – i sort of opened my book – wrote some notes – then stared at the paper) – evident in my marks (which my mother will probably murder me over… or just crush my spirits and leave the killing to my dad) I ended up with 26/69.

English – funny as always – with my teacher threatening to stab someone with her biro… I did pretty good in the sections we got back – but haven’t gotten all back yet – so that pisses me off… had all this time to mark yet some idiot locks her marked section in her office and is conveniently “sick.”

Then maths (the one subject i absolutely studied my ASS off for – meaning barely going out during my holidays and constant stress) – I stood at my friends [Mal, Jesi and Sheridan's] window talking until my teacher came and then she walked into their room to talk to their teacher. I go “DID I DO GOOOOOD???” and she said she didn’t know but she was grinning… turns out i got 78.5% which is probably the first maths mark over 50% I have received for a bit over a year. If my parents aren’t happy about that I will not hesitate to take a knife and… OR take up some kind of ancient Japanese fighting skills (not requiring body armour) and torture them like they have me with the stress and study.

Then Religion – which i got back [it weighed 0%] and couldn’t be bothered putting what little energy I had into working out what mark I had got – and I was le tired so I slept during a video on Islam (Which i have to write a report on tonight – ahhh shittt.)

Tomorrow I have Modern History – Another exam i probably screwed – having made most of the shit up on the spot and then watching some girl next to me tear off her 100 pages [not really - about 6 per essay] whilst i had only around 8 pages in front of me in total and the exam booklet. As well as DT which is fairly crappy because my mum is a DT teacher and I almost always (no I’m not self involved – its just true) get the highest mark – which is not all that great because then I get “oh it’s because her mumsssss a teacher and she does the work forrrr her” or  ”what did SARAH get? Ohhh I beat you by half a mark!!!” (the second one hasn’t happened but im waiting for it.) Then if i fail (not average fail – mother fail – which means getting less than 60% is not good enough) I will have a nice lecture waiting for me at home.

Screwwwwwww school. Its 3.00 and I have wasted enough time – by the way – what the fuck is the deal with leaches??? Not literal leaches – the leach kind of person that sucks on to a person and then drains all the fun and life and then moves on to the next person – disgusting.

Rehab for catholics – “we’ll brainwash your kids for a fuck load of money”

Firstly, before I go into my usual bitter rant, I would like to point out that I am not disagreeing with the idea of “time away from it all” – What i disagree with is the idea of forceful enlightenment.

Sure, some people enjoy the idea of getting close to nature, speaking to people you have never spoken to before, becoming closer to teachers – The ideal of ultimate escape.

To me, retreat is about forcing people to open up – on a schedule. To get people up early and go to bed late – after mulitple “sessions” – Retreat makes those, who do not feel the need to join in with a bunch of over the top, screaming and dancing people, feel like dirt. Spiritual enlightenment? At which point will I find spiritual enlightenment? Whilst you crush the spirits, and shake your head in disapproval at those who don’t need to change to have a better sense of well being.

Where are the joys of retreat that were proimised to frequently? Where they the many sessions in which we prayed – I’m not even sure why, or the group tasks – which seemed to revolve around simplistic aims (do you assume we as females are incapable of analysing feelings or reflect without the use of drawing or painting?)

I hate the fact that on the last retreat of year 12 – of school – ever – I could not find anything to be serious about. There was nothing to analyse. No real issues. Nothing to “pray” for. I’m guessing the main reason you were unsuccessful in your attempts to somehow change my demeanour was due to the fact that I simply cant involve myself in that which has no real point. Yet I felt like a bad person – for sitting down while everyone was jumping around, dancing and smiling.

I got home – feeling nothing different – no sense of well being (that i was promised), no sense of being somehow useful, ultimately no sense of release – life just goes back to the continuous push for better marks at school.

The memories that I wont forget? The prayer? The tranquility? Highly doubted… Rather the way we pressed ourselves against the glass door of our room, screamed at the “friendly” possums, went psycho about walking into a spiderweb and ran down the walkway jumping and hitting each other, our “out of control” imitation 2 stepping and the best hand made fort – which was soon ruined.

Me and Jesi

The Fort and Mal

The fort being crushed by me and Emily… anddd then Emily crushing me – we pride ourselves on being over dramatic (the teachers had the room next to us… oh shame for them.)

Rehab is for quitters – I guess I don’t like to quit.